Monday, November 28, 2005

Breaking News on WW - Potential Warner Scandal

Just days after the "Draft" scandal of Democratic Governor and potential 2008 Presidential candidate Bill Richardson, another scandal is engulfing another Democratic Governor and potential 2008 Presidential candidate. Democratic flavor of the month, Gov. Mark Warner is being accused by Republican operatives of faking a second place finish in the Lunenburg County Turkey Shoot in order to inflate his "hunting" savvy.

Professor Larry Sabato of UVA, a respected authority on Virginia politics, said he was stunned by the allegations. "This scandal has the potential to derail Warner's bid for the White House. Warner needs to get out there quickly and put the issue to rest."

The "official" story is as follows:

(In the Virginia campaign) "Warner passed the “gun test” with flying colors. On the campaign trail, Crumley says Warner had no problem convincing hunters that he respected their hobby. In Lunenburg County, in fact, Warner even took second place in a turkey shoot, Crumley recalls. (After he took office, he also appeared on a hunting show on ESPN wearing blaze orange, and shot geese.) Most important, Crumley says, Warner worked the gun vote so relentlessly in 2001 that, in the end, the NRA decided not to officially endorse either candidate — in effect a victory for Warner."
But did Warner really win the Turkey Shoot fairly? Republican operatives are pointing to conspiracy theorists and new evidence to suggest it was an elaborate hoax.

A new home video has emerged of Warner's visit to Lunenburg County. This video is backed up by eyewitness accounts that until now had been dismissed. Interviewed in the Lunenburg Press in 2001, Jimmy "Fatty" Smith had claimed hearing another gunshot from his left across the grass knoll on the fair grounds and roughly forty-five degrees from where Warner was standing. The town drunk, Forrest Lee Dennison, claimed also hearing a second shot and then seeing a Jeep Cherokee SUV speeding off. Even though FL Dennison had found a Wood Brothers cap at the scene, the editor of the Lunenburg Press had dismissed FL and Fatty's claims, because in his words, "either one of them boys would have lied for less than a six pack, even that fancy micro brewed sh-t."

This was until the new evidence emerged last week. Local volunteer firefighter Stanley Lapruder had video taped the 2001 turkey shoot, and was recently rummaging through his closet looking for tapes record over. Rudd, "I found the Turkey tape, just popped it in, and was looking at it. Damn if I didn't see a man with an umbrella open positioned so you couldn't see the grassy knoll. After the shot, he folded the umbrella and then I seen it! Somebody with a gun was scurrying off toward the parking lot. There was no reason for anyone to have an umbrella on a clear day like that. I think he was hiding the real shooter."

In a press conference at the Heritage Foundation on Monday, fellow Herbert Danford laid out the evidence including a Lapruder tape and testimony from experts. Danford said, "Based on the eye witnesses, follow-up interviews and new Lapruder tape, there was no doubt Warner confidant, rural political strategist and avid hunter, Dave "Mudcat" Saunders was the actual shooter. Due to this terrible deception, Warner should immediately resign as Governor of Virginia." One of the "experts" called by the Heritage Foundation, Grover Norquist said, the organizers purposely destroyed the paper bullseye in order to cover up the deceit.

Festival organizers declined to comment. However their lawyer issued a brief statement, "The Annual Turkey Shoot has never had a policy to keep the bullseyes after the judges make a decision." DNC Chairman Howard Dean issued the following statement on the affair, "We do not believe the charges levied at Gov. Warner. Grover Norquist has no qualifications in the forensic field. Watching every episode of CSI does not make him an expert. He should stick to helping the President run up huge deficits."

In independent research, Warnerwatch.com has discovered that several of the Republican operatives claiming foul were in charge of rounding up the rural vote in 2001. Since Democrat Warner won 51% of the rural vote, one Virginia Democrat off record suggested, "they just can't get over the ass whooping they took in 2001 and just earlier this month."

The Warner office has yet to respond to the charges. Mudcat Saunders was available for comment from his Roanoke home on the alleged scandal. On hearing the story, "G-dd-mn it. What the F-ck? Second, second... If I was shooting, h-ll he would have won. You dumb asses in the press better get your f-cking sh-t straight."

Updated post-e-mail check:

Geesh people, of course this is a joke... Is there no humor left in politics?

1 Comments:

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Eric Davis said...

Just in case someone out there actually reads this - it's a JOKE, kids. PLEASE don't "clip and save" and have this show up down the road without the proper disclaimer that it's a JOKE. Think of it as a segment from the Daily Show.

 

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